Days 16 & 17

Well, as I feared, I was not able to post anything for yesterday since I had to work a double shift.

Not much to report for yesterday. There are some major issues going on where I work and, as a result, I did not have much of an appetite. I wound up eating only one meal that day--my dinner of chicken and mashed potatoes that my husband brought me. It was interesting to note that I had no appetite because of the stress I was dealing with, yet there have been other times that I would eat and eat and it was still emotional eating. So I thought about it more today and realized that I need to pay closer attention to my emotional eating habits.

As I thought more about my emotional eating habits, I started to see a few patterns emerge: I eat and eat when I feel somehow "deserving". In other words, I eat sometimes because it feels like deprivation or punishment otherwise. I find this to be true during stressful times where I might be already angry or upset about a situation or circumstance I have little or no control over. In my mind, it almost feels like even more punishment if I restrict what I eat or what I am eating during those times. Conversely, if I am experiencing a lot of stress where I am feeling anxious or scared (as opposed to angry) I find that I am unable to eat.

My first extreme experience with a total loss of appetite was when I went through a divorce several years ago. I became so dangerously thin during that time that my doctor threatened to have me hospitalized if I lost any more weight. After my divorce was final and things stabilized, so did my weight. I was a size 2, then a 4 for a long time. I find myself wishing I could go back to that size 4 person and tell her to stay right where she is (weight wise)! I certainly do not wish to go through something traumatizing just to lose weight, but I do wish I could tap into that ability while I am trying to lose weight now.

Anyway, I am still feeling pretty stressed out today because of work. It still is not resolved and I am not looking forward to dealing with it when I go back to work, so it has been weighing heavily on my mind today. I am supposed to begin my food journal today for my personal trainer (my appointment is Tuesday) and I don't have much to put on it for today. My husband (who knows all about what i s going on at work) was kind enough to cook dinner tonight. He grilled some steaks and baked potatoes. I will 'fess up--my baked potato was loaded. It tasted so good and to be perfectly honest, I just did not care today about "watching" what I eat. I am stressed and I had not eaten anything at all during the day, so I was ok with the loaded baked potato.

Still had my Starbucks--fat-free, of course. That is one change that is working well for me.

I am not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow, but I am looking forward to getting back on track. I have moments where I feel I am making slow but sure progress and I have other moments where I am taking one step forward and two steps back. I guess all I can do is keep moving forward, even when I stumble and fall.

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't -- you are right."